Of course, the United States Constitution has no legal force on other planets, or in other galaxies.  Not Yet.  But just wait till we Clingons get there; Article Two of the Bill of Rights doesn't say anything about "on Earth", ok?  Nor does "the people" specify only humans.  Let's get something straight right now:  we humans, and other intelligent creatures throughout the universe, do not get our unalienable rights from the government--any government. 

     What does the Declaration of Independence say?  "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed." 

     Well.  Just what does "their Creator" mean?  It may be interpreted differently by each reader of the Declaration, and no doubt has been taken many different ways;  in all likelihood, this was the deliberate intent, not only of Jefferson when he wrote the words, but of the Continental Congress that approved them.  They didn't write "God" or "Nature" or "whatever gods may be" (as the ancient Romans often did in their  official government documents), or even "the Great Architect of the Universe" as the Freemasons among them might have preferred; they didn't write "the Force" or "the Sons of Light" or anything specific at all--just "their Creator", leaving the phrase open to interpretation--and acceptance--by people of all beliefs, any belief, or no belief.  Pretty clever.

     What they did get specific about was the duty of government--or at least, of a just government:  "...to secure these rights..."--period.  Clear enough for you?  Governments exist, we all understand, now, then,  and all through history that don't give a tinker's damn about the people's rights, except how to infringe them, reduce them, restrict them, suppress them, or utterly obliterate even the concept and memory of them--but we know what these governments are rightly called, don't we?  Tyranny.   They exist for the benefit of the tyrant and his friends, his party, his political machine of oppression--not for the benefit of the people, howevermuch they may claim otherwise.  Such governments are not just, and do not derive their powers from the consent of the governed, although they are ususally quite efficient at organizing public displays of adulation by the governed.

     What were those rights again, specifically?  Well, there are obviously a lot of them, too many, in fact, to be listed in any single document even if it were a whole library of volumes.  Hence, Jefferson saw fit to mention only a few of the most important, to give readers the idea: "...life, liberty..."--first and foremost, life.  Without that, it's pretty obvious you won't be enjoying any of the others. 

     So, just what does a government have to do to secure everyone's right to life?  Well, there are a number of positive steps that must be taken, like defending the people against all enemies, foreign and domestic.  So much is obvious.  Of course, there are times when the government--or actually, it's human agents--is not around; at such times, if we are attacked, we must defend ourselves--or die.  Indeed, if we value our liberty, and hence our privacy, we must insist that there be times and places when the government's agents aren't around, and that must include many places, and most of the time. 

     So, the government's duty to protect us in no way limits our own right to protect ourselves; indeed, I argue that we have not only a right to protect ourselves--and our families, neighbors, and even fellow humans, countrymen especially--but a duty to do so. 

         "No man is an island, alone unto himself, but each is a part of the maine; and even as the mightiest continent is diminished by the loss of so little as a single clod, so much am I diminished by the death of any man..."   (with apologies to John Dunne)

     Now, if we take our responsibility to defend ourselves and our fellow man seriously--and if you don't take that seriously, what should you take seriously?--then we are obligated to prepare ourselves to actually do so--mentally, legally, and physically. 

     Well, how do we prepare to defend human life?  We must prepare ourselves to defeat the criminals who would murder us.  We must, in fact, prepare ourselves just as any police officer is prepared to defend the public.  This means physical training, and it means mental preparation, and it means weapons.  What weapons?  The same as those used by any cop; as a matter of fact, not just weapons, but equipment generally.  Whatever a police officer needs to protect the public, the public needs to protect the public--logical?  This includes body armor, handcuffs, tactical radios, pepper spray, tasers, clubs, night-vision optics, tactical flashlights, knives, and guns.  The honest, peaceful citizen needs each of these things for the exact same reason the police officer does; to protect himself and the public.  It is the police officer's duty; it is the citizen's legal right--and moral duty, too.

     We CLINGONS insist on doing our duty, and we insist on CLINGING to our right to defend ourselves--and our families, and our neighbors, and--well, even you, if we see you in trouble.

     What kind of guns do we need to defend--you?  Exactly the same types of guns used by the police, and for the reason that these are the best types of weapons available for the purpose.  Of course, in some cases we may feel we have need for different weapons than those actually issued to the police, because we may be in different environments, different circumstances than a police officer on duty. 

     My point is that we CLINGONS feel entitled to choose any weapon appropriate to the situation, as long as it is compatible with responsible use by a prudent and reasonable man.  This, in turn, will depend on the circumstances.  As a general rule, we should learn to categorize weapons by the effect they have on the target when used properly--as a prudent and reasonable man would use them.  This means, as a practical matter, that we need only distinguish between firearms that launch non-explosive projectiles, and those that launch explosive projectiles.  Any other distinctions are trivial.  As that great firearms expert, Marina Oswald, said when questioned about the type of firearm her husband Lee kept in the garage, "Rifle?  Shotgun?  Machinegun?  What difference does it make?  They all shoot."

     Yes indeed, Marina--they all shoot.  And they all make neat little round holes in paper targets at the shooting range, or in whatever else they happen to hit.   And they all kill.  Thank God, for that is what they are intended to do, and it is precisely this ability to kill which enables them to save so many innocent human lives every year. 

     According to the most reliable sources available, of which I will mention only three--the work of Prof. John Lott, the research of Prof. Gary Kleck, and the report, ordered and funded by the Dept. of Justice under Jimmy Carter by Profs. Wright and Rossi--innocent, peaceful people use firearms to prevent or defeat violent, vicious, criminal attacks--attempted rapes, robberies, muggings, kidnappings, murders--over a million times each year; and that is just here in the United States!

     And in the great majority of cases, these guns need not even be fired--merely displaying a gun to the criminal in question (henceforth, CIQ) by the intended victim, whom the CIQ had expected to be totally unarmed and helpless, actually rehabilitated the CIQ from his life of crime; at least, until he got out of range.  Permanent rehabilitation usually does not  occur until the CIQ is shot for the second or third time, after which he decides to forego mugging and rape for something less evil--like kiting bad checks, or selling narcotics to children.

     Well, just what kind of guns do we CLINGONS need to defend ourselves and our fellow Earthmen?  Logically, the same kind of firearms used by the police for the very same purpose--defending themselves and the public.  And not just firearms, but all the equipment used by the police, we CLINGONS need and have a right to--body armor, tactical radios, pepper spray, tasers, tactical flashlights, night-vision gear, clubs, knives and GUNS; what the police need to protect the public, the public needs to protect the public.  We also need training--more of that another time.

     And what firearms do the police use to protect the public?  A wide variety.    To begin with, a service sidarm worn on the belt in a holster; but this, while indispensable, is not the police officer's weapon of first choice in a fight.  It is, like all pistols, short on power and accuracy--but it is instantly available when desperately needed, and that is what counts most.

     Most police favor the weapon found in the trunk of every squad car: the shotgun.  Powerful, and firing a burst of pellets with each shot so that even a semi-trained officer can hit a badguy with fair frequency, it is the weapon of choice for most at ranges from point-blank out to 50 yards.  For greater ranges or situations requiring penetration of barriers of any kind, another weapon found in nearly all police cars is favored: the automatic rifle.  In the hands of most officers, this is effective out to about 200 yards. 

     Beyond this range, police departments almost universally provide a long-range precision rifle of high power with a telescopic sight: to the media, this is a 'sniper rifle', although it is instantly recognizable to any hunter as just a good hunting rifle.  Effective use of such an arm requires an officer to train more than most, although it can improve the effectiveness of any officer if he has to deal with a situation in which pin-point accuracy is needed, such as a badguy hiding behind cover or worse yet, behind a hostage.  Such a weapon is indispensable in such cases, and in the hands of goodguys has saved many an innocent life.

     Many officers who are good shots prefer a weapon known as an 'automatic carbine' to the shotgun; this is just an automatic rifle firing a less powerful cartridge which is, therefore, more easily controlled allowing the shooter to fire rapidly with greater accuracy than if he were using a high-power rifle.  Such weapons include the M-16 which has been the standard infantry weapon of American and many other armies for over 40 years, and no matter how often they call it a 'rifle' (which it resembles) its 'intermediate' (read low-power) ammunition makes it in fact more a carbine than a genuine rifle.  This weapon is in fact the most widespread 'automatic rifle' currently used in American police departments; and it's a good weapon for civilians to master as well, especially if they live in rural areas.  Even in town, it can be used responsibly in built-up neigborhoods if proper ammunition is selected to avoid over-penetration.

     Last is a type of firearm very popular with both civilians and police: the 'back-up gun'.  This is nothing more than a very small, light pistol suited for constant, long-term carry in a pocket or purse (or 'shoulder bag' for you macho types) and intended to be used either by civilians who can legally be armed but don't want to be seen as armed (thus doing a great service to all the rest of us, since it means the badguys can't tell who among is helpless, and who is armed and ready to defend anyone they see being attacked)--or by police officers who wear a large, heavy pistol, but feel the need for a backup in case their service sidearm is empty, jammed, or ripped out of their hand by some thug.

     Out where I live (Los Angeles) a police officer was recently assaulted by a gang-punk who walked up behind him and hit him in the head with a baseball bat.  The officer was knocked to the ground, bleeding, with a concussion, but still conscious--he drew his service sidearm--a large automatic pistol--and tried to bring it into action but, no doubt due to the concussion, fumbled with the controls and rather than releasing the safety, released the magazine instead, dropping the magazine to the ground with a sickening clunk!    Dropping his now empty automatic, as the gangbanger advanced toward him to deliver a second, fatal blow with the baseball bat (and, no doubt, steal the officer's gun)  he drew a snubnose .38 revolver from its concealed holster on his ankle and shot the badguy dead.  This happened in the parking lot of Roosevelt High School in broad daylight, in front of numerous witnesses (all of whom, no doubt, would have been terrified at the prospect of testifying against a gang-banger in court).

     The moral of this story is: if you need one gun, you need two.  The second moral is: the most powerful pistol in the world isn't always a .44 magnum (sorry, Dirty Harry) it's whatever you can carry with you 24/7 so you have it when, unexpectedly, you need it to save someone's life.  And the third moral is: while living on planet Earth, carry a gun; the life you save may be mine.

     So there you have a very brief and incomplete summary of the kind of firearms all CLINGONS must own and be proficient with in order to be CLINGONS IN GOOD STANDING IN THE ORDER OF BATTLE.  We CLINGONS will continue to do so, and will be monitoring the Supreme Court and anyone else who threatens to restrict our right to live--in peace.

     Live long, and prosper.  Buy a gun.

     NEXT WEEK: CLINGING TO YOUR MACHINE GUN

     MAY 19, 2008, PORTLAND OREGON, USA, PLANET EARTH

     Today Barack Husain Obama revealed another side of his arrogant, contemptuous attitude toward ordinary hard-working humans on Planet Earth:  He pompously proclaimed

     "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times...and then expect that other countries are going to say OK."

     OBama may try to deny that he said it, but it will be difficult to make the denial stick, as there were 75,000 eye-witnesses to the campaign rally confession.   Of course, we must ask Barack Husain for a little clarification:

     Who is "we," Kimosabe--er, Barack Husain?

     Are we to divine from this self-righteous bombast that the Senator, his Obamaship, and the anointed First-Lady-to-Be, Her Majesty Michelle, actually live in an eco-friendly, non-polluting, carbon-neutral, non-energy-consuming abode without benefit of such disgustingly American, Clingon-ish devices as central heat, central air conditioning, electric lights, AC current, microwaves, digital HDTV (and large-screen at that), stereo system, computers, radios, etc., etc.--or that they rigorously discipline themselves to keep that thermostat set on a minimum of 84* fahrenheit all summer,  and a maximum of 58* all winter?  Go on, Your Highnesses--just say you do it, we'll all believe you!   If we don't pretend to believe you, you can accuse all of us of being racists!  That'll frighten us into shutting up, won't it?

    And by the by, Your Lordships--just what manner of carriage do you Cook County Aristocrats use to convey yourselves around your exclusive suburbs in Washington DC and Chicago?  Go ahead and enlighten us self-indulgent Clingons, who use our SUVs to carry our kids to and from school and athletic events every day, and to transport dogs (another typical Clingon indulgence!) and groceries and laundry and business supplies on our no-doubt unnecessary daily rounds.  Tell us what you drive, Your Lordships--or rather, what your chauffeurs drive for you.

     The Hour of Attack is at hand!  The Day of Victory draws near!  Clingon Imperial Headquarters has decided to accelerate our scheduled conquest of Planet Earth!  One of our Main Enemies, Barack Hussain  Obama, has discovered our plan to take over the United States, and has exposed our presence--even our very nature--to the people of America; this has placed all our carefully laid plans in jeopardy!

     Barack Hussain Obama has revealed our secret identity to the Elitist Swarm of America:  we are the creatures who are bitter at being ignored by our governments, our politicians, our self-proclaimed betters and would-be masters, the billionaire socialists and their elitist henchmen in the drama-academia-media-arts establishment, the Ninnies and the Twits; we are the Secret Society of Normal Earthmen, angry at seeing our jobs taken from us and shipped overseas to factories worked by wage-slaves for pay and conditions that our grandfathers and great-grandfathers fought against and outlawed in the United States generations ago! 

     We are even angrier at politicians who do the bidding of these Malefactors of Great Wealth and their Elitist Swarm  by allowing the unhindered invasion of our sacred soil by criminal invaders who come here, without our permission and against our law, to steal from us jobs that Americans--like any hard-working Earthmen--have always done, and are eager to do, if only we are paid a decent wage!  We Clingons will not be driven into poverty by the Elitist Swarm driving down our standard of living in a Race-to-the-Bottom of the Wage Scale, competing with slaves on other continents to see who can live on the least!

     We Clingons believe that as the Earthmen of all nations aquire education and the ability to operate modern factories, producing great wealth, they should recieve high wages as do the Earthmen of the United States, Western Europe and Japan---not forced to live on the same wages, with the same standard of living as they did in previous millenia as illiterate peasants.  When they receive high wages--like Americans--they will consume more, raising their standard of living and further speeding the growth of the economy of Planet Earth.  Ultimately all Earthmen will live in an economy of educated workers, modern technology, high productivity, high wages, high consumption, high standard of living, and high profits through huge production at a low profit margin---the American System made popular by Henry Ford, which he modeled on the previous factory systems of such great American companies as Smith&Wesson, Remington Arms, Winchester and Sam Colt---all made possible by the trailblazing innovation of the American Eli Whitney, inventor of the modern factory system of production and interchangeable parts.

   The alternative course, which the Malefactors of Great Wealth and their Elitist Swarm are pursuing, is the Ancient System of the Old World---a tiny  Super-Rich Political/Corporate Elite:  the "PolitiCorps"---a small, politically insignificant middle class, and a huge mass of impoverished wage-slaves, struggling to please their bosses in order to avoid being fired and finding themselves--and their families--among the starving unemployed.

This is the economic/social/political system we see today in the "Third World"---from Brazil to Bangkok, Bangladesh to Burma,  Bolivia to Bulgaria, Mexico to Morocco, and Chechenya to China.  The hungry workers---and starving unemployed---of this Third World will gladly subject themselves to horrific conditions and poverty wages, simply in order to feed their families; and if they are allowed to continue to invade America, and drive down wages in the United States,  the Earthmen of  America will be driven back into this Ancient System from which our families only so recently escaped---by coming here to get away from there, and the Malefactors of Great Wealth who monopolized economic opportunity and political power back in the Old Country. 

     This is the reason we Normal Earthmen become CLINGONS:  men (and women) who cling to our guns, our faiths, our values, and our nations---complete with borders and armies and laws, and governments ready to use same to protect us and our families---and we will not give them up!  Here in the United States, we Clingons cling to our Constitution as the guarantee of our liberty, and we cling to our Guns as the guarantor of that Constitution.

     Main Enemy Barack Hussain Obama has launched a clever political assault on us Clingons by slandering us, portraying us as losers, racists, morons and zenophobes---hence, his statement that we only cling to our guns and our religion(s) because we have been out of work for 25 years  (not us, Senator Obama---we don't believe in lifetime welfare), and that we cling, additionally to "antipathy" (read 'hate') toward people who are not like ourselves, or toward immigrants (no, Senator Obama, we don't hate immigrants---we are the descendents of immigrants, or immigrants ourselves, and proud of that fact---we just want immigrants to come here as LEGAL immigrants, in compliance with American law, as did our ancestors, and some of us---not as criminals, including an unknown percentage of gangbangers, drug dealers, and now terrorists).  

     Senator Obama further accuses us of being opposed to world trade; not at all---we just want that trade to be conducted with nations that compete with us on a level playing field, beginning with paying their workers wages comparable to our own for similar work, and at a minimum allowing them to organize labor unions to bargain collectively with their bosses---whether private billionaires or state billionaires, as in Communist China, Vietnam, North Korea and Cuba---and enforcing laws that will protect the environment and their populations from destruction and deadly pollution; we want to compete with countries that, like America, enforce laws that make their products safe for our children---and their children---to use, play with, and eat.   We Clingons will cling to that demand, Senator Obama. 

    And stop lying and calling us racists---please?   Senator Obama?   It is not we who are contemptuous of those different from ourselves, Senator Obama---we work with them, laugh with them, date them and marry them every day (or hadn't you noticed?)---it is, rather, you and your elite social circle who are as contemptuous of those different from yourselves---people in small towns, for example---as you claim, in your ignorance, we are.  

     Get out of your golden ghetto, Senator Obama.   Take Michelle on a driving vacation---just you and her and a few dozen bodyguards and flacks, no doubt---and get out and see America beyond the limits of your upscale neighborhoods in Washington DC, Chicago, and San Francisco;  you just might be surprised to discover that we Clingons are not the ignorant racist bigots you portray us as.   And don't worry, Senator---we'll forgive you your insults and trespasses against us; our religion teaches us to do so.